Dear Jesus,

I wanted to know what exactly you had against Everclear. My Frat Brothers and me think it is the greatest thing since sliced bread. It goes with everything really. Jell-O, Kool-Aid, pop, grape juice, GHB. So, the brothers and I wanted to know what the deal was?

Sincerely,

David "Cooter" S.

P.S.: Rush Beta!

David, David, David. I guess I was wrong. It does serve one other purpose. If it weren't for it, intimidation and black outs, Frat Brothers like you would never know heterosexual sex. Instead, you get to practice your latent homosexual tendencies while still living in denial. Have fun.


Dear Jesus,

I live in constant fear of your wraith. I pray that you will return to earth soon to punish Satan and all evil on this world. However, I can't get to sleep at night. I worry about demonic attack on my spiritual life. I fear the devil because he constantly tempts me. I read Frank Peretti and Max Lucado and they are convinced that we should all be prepared for your coming. What do I need to do to prepare for your arrival?

Love,

Richard. T.

Richard, I really dont know where to begin. First of all, it is arrogant to assume that the devil is so concerned about your Powerful Spirituality that he would halt all other work just to tempt you and interfere in the daily goings on in Richard's life. (This is the problem with teaching self-esteem in school when the esteem is unwarranted.) I know you want to feel like one of God's special little creations, but the fact is, you are just like anyone else. Horny, desperate and constantly living in fear and guilt. I want you to seek counseling for your delusions, fears and paranoia and start feeling better about yourself and the world. You need to stop living in fear of judgment. That's no life for anyone.

Love,

Jesus

P.S.: I'm coming next Tuesday.


Dear Jesus,

Let me say that I just find you so sexy. I have fantasized about you so much. You are my ideal man. When I am with a guy, I always imagine it is you making love to me. It's gotten to the point that I can't even go to church anymore. Just seeing all of those images of you makes me moist. I can hardly contain myself right now as I write this. Although I know nothing can come of it, I just had to get this off of my chest.

Love,

Jaime

Jaime,

I have to tell you that I have already had you. It was about two years ago. You picked me up at a party for your friend Christy. Needless to say, you were not that great. Sorry, but Jesus never lies. The simple fact is that sex is about giving and receiving equally and Jaime, you just want to receive. You really need to work on your foreplay. Specifically in the area of fellatio. I hope one day you can find your true ideal man but you will always have a special place in my heart.

Jesus loves you(but not in that way.)